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I know that the only constant thing in life is the change itself.
People change, situation change, our perspective changes, our point of view changes.
Maybe it is not that people change, maybe it’s just their behaviour no longer fits our OWN image about them. Yes, we have our own image, criteria, and thoughts on other people. And when they no longer fits the list, we perceive that they have changed. They do not change, you know, they just no longer fits ours. It’s either you modify your list, or just carry on with it.
What makes people off the list? in my case, mostly, is fame, fortune, and love. Well they’re not actually OFF the list, I just put them in a different order. It is not always bad. When my best friends are in love, they are likely to change, and I really don’t mind :) But some people are off from my list because of the glaring fame and fortune that they have. As sad as it can be..
This thought leads to another thought that I always ask myself. Why do (some) people needs that much acknowledgement and appreciation? why do they constantly seeking for attention? I understand that being in the spotlight feels good (but not for me, being in the spotlight is not my cup of tea), but constantly? what are they actually looking for? the whole world to see them? to appreciate them? to know them? and then, what?
All of these thoughts have sometimes making me fragile. I just can’t seem to understand. Is it my fault not to cope up with such situation? Is it wrong not wanting any excessive and overload attention?
Don’t get me wrong, pure attention from the people I love feels so so good.. But this is not what I’m talking about. What I meant here is the attention in the spotlight. You know, acknowledgement, excessive need of appreciation at work, in life.. Why do they need it? what for? can those things feed you? I don’t think so. At least I prefer a plate full of steak and fries to feed me.
Those questions are making me fragile, it is hard trying to understand everything. You don’t even have to. But I just can’t help myself. More and more and more, people are pushing me to get excessive attention, and people are doing disgraceful, embarrassing things ONLY to get other people’s attention. Why do you need that much of acknowledgement? What makes it enough for you?
Do I live in a wrong world? did I choose the wrong circle? this place have pushed me to walk into the spotlight most of the time. I don’t like it. I am no longer happy. I am.. fragile.
Fragile cause I don’t understand how does it work to cope up with such superficial world? but at the same time fragile cause I’m overwhelmingly happy with something real that I have. Have you ever feel happy? pure happy? happiness makes you fragile too, you know. Sometimes it also frightens you.
I feel fragile every morning I walk out from the room, I wonder how can I get in touch with these people that needs excessive attention and appreciation. I’m not a good liar. So it’s kinda hard to keep my smile on all the time. What is this world I am living in? Is this really the place I meant to be?
After a while, I thought, hey, It’s not that I’m living in the wrong world, it’s not that I choose the wrong circle. It is me that no longer fits their list and images. I have changed. Or, I have found what I really am. Or, I am CREATING a different me that makes myself off from their list. And re-creating yourself is fun, and it gives you happiness, and as much as I feel fragile, I am happy :)
The thought of why people need excessive attention and appreciation will still be here, I haven’t found the answer. But I’m making my way out from that circle. Running away? perhaps. Or I’m just trying to create another circle that fits me better.
So here I am, trying to (re-)create myself.
After all, life isn’t about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself.
off to bed now.